Tag Archives: anxiety
Now I Know What It’s Like Being Stabbed a.k.a. the Zoladex Shot
It is a cold DC morning and I emerge from the subway, hands stuck deep in my coat pockets and my wool hat pulled down over my ears. This is the second time I am going to my new oncologist’s office to get my monthly ovarian suppression shot. Supposedly, it will keep my aggressive cancer …
The Mirage of Normalcy
I checked my email and clicked on the attachment – a questionnaire that included my medical history from the past five years. My eyes skimmed the page and halted at the box that had “Any kind of cancer” written next to it. I felt a mix of emotions wash over me, with anger and sadness …
Welcome to NYC – Oh, and the Bathroom is Downstairs
The Acela Express to New York City was delayed. Our line of mostly business clad bodies snaked from the seating area to the gate that was mercilessly closed. As soon as the announcement concluded, the incredulous looks on all the faces morphed into an angry grimace. They whipped out various high-end cell phones and, swiveling …
My Split Personality after Cancer
I sat in my Russian language class and the teacher corrected my classmate: “No, pak (*pronounced rahk) means cancer.” She nodded in self approval. “Yeah, it means cancer.” At that moment my carefully maintained composure for the day collapsed in pieces like if someone pulled out the wrong jenga block. Cancer didn’t mean the harmless …
The Great Cancer Escape a.k.a.Two Weeks of Being my Old Self
For over two years now, my world revolved around cancer. Eye cancer, breast cancer, re-occurrence, treatments and the fall-out of those. When one counselor asked me what I did for fun, at first I couldn’t think of anything and then I found myself stuttering something about cooking and taking walks with my dog. Even I …
Reiki – The Natural Oxy
I am a skeptic. I am an atheist. I don’t believe in spiritual things or cosmic conscience. So when I rode the subway to my first reiki appointment, I kept berating myself for wasting my time and money. But all else failed. Acupuncture, breathing exercises, self help books, psychologists, counselors, calming teas, meditation, visualization, exercise. …
PTSD Is Not Just For Soldiers
I stepped on the outside staircase landing, leash in the right hand, my dog pushing past my legs, tail wagging. But instead of going down the four flights of stairs, I stood rooted to the cement floor. My heart was pounding against my chest and I felt like my torso was being squeezed by an …
Compartmentalizing for Sanity
Having two cancers makes you really good at compartmentalizing. Your brain transforms itself into one of those old timey apothecaries, filled with hundreds of tiny drawers and bottles with stoppers. Each drawer holds a different fear, anxiety or feeling, excitement, happiness, wonder or thrill. You go there every day, stay all day long, and slap …
Life After Cancer Treatment
“So are you cancer free now?” My hair stylist asked me a couple of days ago. She was trying to conjure up something normal out of my three inch orphan Annie curls that started taking the shape of Jagr’s mullet. I watched her in the mirror and replied: “I guess…I mean, for now, I guess …
So You’re Done, Right?
Next week is my last chemo infusion. It will be one year and thirteen days after my very first poison drip. Everybody keeps smiling at me and exclaiming that I must be really excited. Excited is not a word that has populated my vocabulary for quite a while now. I am glad I will not have …
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