Tag Archives: PTSD
The Mirage of Normalcy
I checked my email and clicked on the attachment – a questionnaire that included my medical history from the past five years. My eyes skimmed the page and halted at the box that had “Any kind of cancer” written next to it. I felt a mix of emotions wash over me, with anger and sadness …
Reiki – The Natural Oxy
I am a skeptic. I am an atheist. I don’t believe in spiritual things or cosmic conscience. So when I rode the subway to my first reiki appointment, I kept berating myself for wasting my time and money. But all else failed. Acupuncture, breathing exercises, self help books, psychologists, counselors, calming teas, meditation, visualization, exercise. …
PTSD Is Not Just For Soldiers
I stepped on the outside staircase landing, leash in the right hand, my dog pushing past my legs, tail wagging. But instead of going down the four flights of stairs, I stood rooted to the cement floor. My heart was pounding against my chest and I felt like my torso was being squeezed by an …
Compartmentalizing for Sanity
Having two cancers makes you really good at compartmentalizing. Your brain transforms itself into one of those old timey apothecaries, filled with hundreds of tiny drawers and bottles with stoppers. Each drawer holds a different fear, anxiety or feeling, excitement, happiness, wonder or thrill. You go there every day, stay all day long, and slap …
Life After Cancer Treatment
“So are you cancer free now?” My hair stylist asked me a couple of days ago. She was trying to conjure up something normal out of my three inch orphan Annie curls that started taking the shape of Jagr’s mullet. I watched her in the mirror and replied: “I guess…I mean, for now, I guess …
So You’re Done, Right?
Next week is my last chemo infusion. It will be one year and thirteen days after my very first poison drip. Everybody keeps smiling at me and exclaiming that I must be really excited. Excited is not a word that has populated my vocabulary for quite a while now. I am glad I will not have …
Neither Here Nor There
As I near the completion of my active treatment for cancer, I often think of what others call the landmarks and milestones I reached and passed. The biopsies, surgeries, the chemotherapy, the hair loss, the reconstruction, the PET scans, the follow ups, the blood work, the hair re-growth. It sounds as if I walked around …
My Sleeping Beauty
As I dread going to bed every night because of my persisting nightmares, I take comfort in watching my dog sleep. I have always loved watching her sleep and took pictures of it. Maybe one day, the peace that settles over her, will rub off on me too. My naturopath thinks I have PTSD and …
Beastly Anniversary
Last night, a strange feeling enveloped me. It stuck to me like a spider web; it clung to me like a wet shirt. It weighed me down like a diving bell. It constricted my breathing as if an anaconda wrapped itself around my torso. It changed my thoughts to black and white. It played out …
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