My Sleeping Beauty
As I dread going to bed every night because of my persisting nightmares, I take comfort in watching my dog sleep. I have always loved watching her sleep and took pictures of it. Maybe one day, the peace that settles over her, will rub off on me too.
My naturopath thinks I have PTSD and my body is cleansing itself of the negative emotions from the past two years. Whatever it is, it sucks. I can’t sleep and I cry all the time. I dread going outside and talking to people, I have a hard time following even basic conversations.
I feel like I have not got a break since that day, July 2nd, 2012 when my first cancer was diagnosed. It has been two years of bad news. I don’t remember a week when I wouldn’t have to go to some kind of a doctor.
It is a wicked Catch 22. I am supposed to go out and “do things” to feel better emotionally but I can’t force myself to confront the world yet. So I stay inside and the cycle deepens.
If it weren’t for my dog, I probably wouldn’t leave the house for days. I get up, I work from home, I take my dog out and then I dread the evenings because I know I will have to go to bed soon and experience the nightmares over and over again.
Maybe one day I will get back to a semblance of what I used to be. In the meantime, I will keep watching my dog sleep.