Hey, God: Fuck Your Plan

storytotellya ♦ May 26, 2014 ♦ 4 Comments

I saw a phrase recently that said something like God won’t give you what you can’t carry. To me it is just another one of the platitudes that religious people use to make themselves or someone else feel better about their shitty lives.

After what has happened to me in the past couple years (and I won’t even dwell on all the shit that happened before that), I don’t see how any rational human being can even believe in God. In someone who maliciously assigns misery to various people for absolutely no reason what so ever.

Why is it that God always gets the credit when things go right but never the blame when things go wrong? I got two cancer diagnoses in one year and no one blamed him. But yet, when my PET scan was clear, he was handed the credit on a glimmering plate. You can’t have it both ways!

He works in mysterious ways. Yeah, right. His mysterious ways remind me of a drunkard stumbling home knocking over everything in his path. Or someone high on LSD bouncing around doing random things like wrapping himself in a window curtain or staring at the ceiling as if a movie was playing there.

It happened for a reason. He has a plan. Well, fuck his plan!! I don’t want it, I am not interested. What about MY plan?? And what exactly did his plan achieve? What great intricate reason is there in making me live in fear that I may be blind one day? What did he achieve by having me go through multiple eye surgeries, withstand pain from them, go nearly bankrupt just to cover my medical bills, then have the cancer come BACK with more pain and surgery?

Then his wondrous PLAN was to give me another cancer. Right away. Right as I was getting married, starting a new life. And he gave me a cancer thanks to which I will never have children. Thanks to which I will definitely live a shorter life than normal. Thanks to which I now have life long health consequences. Thanks to which I have the grim reaper sitting on my shoulder waiting for his next lucky strike. Fuck you and fuck your plan.

I loved my Grandma more than anybody in this whole world. She meant everything to me. Yet, the PLAN was to kill her off first. Out of my whole extended family, including the 90+ year olds. She was the most loving person I have ever met. Did she not deserve to live longer? Why do inmates on death row live well past the age she was taken? Any explanation? No answer. I guess God is busy planning a life of a non-smoker who will die of lung cancer.

I see the Michael Vicks of this world walking around perfectly healthy. And wealthy. I see the child rapists laugh every day. I see the wife beaters and murderers buy new cars and go on vacations. I see scammers get away with swindling people out of money, but they enjoy their golf trips and bonuses. I see people like Melissa Bachman kill beautiful lions but she enjoys a perfectly healthy life.

Is there really a twisted God who is PLANNING all this? My jaw drops open when people baa like sheep in the face of the utmost unfairness, still believing in him.

I wonder – how many hours did it take him to plan a life of a six year old who died of leukemia? Does he enjoy his TV dinner while watching the elephants being beaten and bull hooked into submission? Does he calmly puff on his pipe watching people being shot because they said something wrong?

And this is not about free will. No, if he plans EVERYTHING, then he is responsible for EVERYTHING. If everything happens for a reason, then I would like for him to come down from the cloud and have a talk with that 7 year old, bleeding after she was raped for the eighth time in a night, and explain to her what exactly the reasoning behind THAT plan was.

So the only logical and acceptable alternative to me is that there is NO God. Shit happens. Life is unfair and can spin out of control in an instant. There is no master plan, there is no reason. There are just events. Some people get lucky and some don’t. Just as much as you are convinced he exists and you need him to live, that’s how much I DON’T believe he exists. I just have had bad luck and I hope for a better future. Future that I plan to plan myself.